Jealousy of Gender Roles | Loving Him

Is it wrong of me to smirk, just a tad, when I leave for a said amount of time and my husband is alone with the children?

Is it wrong of me to heave a sigh of relief when my children act out when my husband has them?

Is it wrong for me to feel some sort of satisfaction that my husband is stressing over all the minuscule tasks of day-to-day life of raising a family and still trying to have a career?

Is it wrong of me to be just a tad disappointed when family members come out to help him while I'm gone?

I mean ... these are all just hypothetical questions, and I would NEVER have these feelings ...

*insert eye roll*

Listen, my husband is awesome and he never complains about having to do extra house chores or watching his own children when mommy needs a break. I'm not saying he's not competent enough to do this on his own, because he very much is.

And I'm lucky for that.

HOWEVER,

(and yes, there's always a however in these sort of posts)

However, I have been through 7 deployments where he was gone anywhere from 9 months to 4/6 months at a time. One of them we were childless but the rest I had one child to two.

And here's the thing.

I made shit happen. 

Was it stressful? Hell yeah!

Was it a pain in the ass? Hell yeah!

But I made it just fine.

I will insert here that I did have help from time to time from family members but mostly because I would have my Army Reserve duty over the weekends and my mother would come out to help. I also had my father-in-law come out when I had a leadership course that was over two weeks long.

BUT - every other day, it was me and the boys.

And we made it.

So, when I leave for two weeks here and a month there, I get frustrated that he has the help from my mother or his mother.

I get it, it is different now because I work from home so our schedule is different. We need someone to care for out littlest full time and the oldest takes the bus home. Husband doesn't get home until after 5pm so the oldest would be home alone for 2 hours ... which, we can't exactly TRUST him to be alone for that amount of time. So I get that we need the extra help.

I really do. 

Though, the littlest could technically go to daycare full time (an added expense that would be a burden, but doable because I am getting paid more tan normal) and the eldest could be picked up from school by dad or hang out at the after school program in his school ... so see? Things could be done to fully immerse my husband into the hell life I endured (and still do) when he leaves.

Alas, I do want to conclude with this:

I am very lucky to have the man I have asa husband. One who takes on the challenges and appreciates what I do every day. He even mentioned to me over the phone the other day that he doesn't know how I do what I do every day. LOL It meant a lot to me for him to actually see everything from my perspective. It's very easy for the spouse who leaves all the time to not understand how hard it really is back home. They've got other things to worry about; the job, the hazards, the monotony, etc.

I try not to feel jealous of the help he gets, because family members are always willing to come to my aide if I was to need it. Yeah, I want him to suffer through what I do, but I'm so very thankful that I have people in our lives that are able to help at the drop of a pin.

Do any of you feel the same way? How do you combat these feelings?

Tired: Parents of ADHD Children | Raising the Boys

So, I read an article the other day HERE, and it infuriated me.

Why?

Because I'm tired of "experts" telling me that my child is just acting like a child.

(Hey, they may actually be considered experts, but I'm still putting the quotes there)

No.

My child is different. 

Is it a mental illness? Is he "just being a boy?" Is it actually ADHD? I don't know. That's why I rely on "experts" to tell me how to help my child.

We have been through four different therapists. Two psychiatrists and we don't seem to be going anywhere.

I'm tired.

I'm so, so, so tired.

I vent. 

I vent to friends, family, social media.

But I always hear the same things -- from people who mean well, but it's still annoying.

"He'll grow out of it."

"He's just super active. He gets it from you."

"He just doesn't know how to control his emotions."

"If you could let him have something to hold, maybe he'd pay attention in class."

"Have you tried taking him off food dyes? Hormones? Make him gluten free?"

Yea people. I have.

Dye-free helped a tad. A Fidget toy gets taken away because it's a distraction according the teacher. He drinks almond milk and pretty much dairy free. No, he won't grow out of it, talked to a teacher who's ADHD the other day and she was one who sympathized with me and told me straight up, he won't grow out of it. But he will someday learn to cope. No, he's not super active like me, he's straight up hyper active ... I like to keep moving, but I can stop when I want. He cannot.

I. have. literally. tried. any. and. everything. to. help. my. child. succeed.

Have I seen a difference?

Yeah, but nothing significant that society wants him to act and be like.

Guys, I even tried giving him COFFEE because I read an article that explained the caffeine would actually slow him down because of his natural high.

Guys. I've read SO MANY ARTICLES on ADHD and the more I read, the more I try and the more I realize - ADHD IS A REAL THING.

ADHD wasn't around "when you were younger" because people didn't know what to look for. You just had "a lazy kid," "the problem child," or the "crazy hyper kid that always got in trouble."

Did you read the article above? The expert who wrote it said it's just a gimmick for pharmaceutical people to get rich and the doctors who prescribe it commission off of it.

"Drug them up."

"Make them zombies so parents can deal and go back to their smart phones uninterrupted."

Whatever. Do not judge parents with children with behavioral problems until you've walked in their shoes for one day.

Hell, I'd give you four hours and you'd want to give the kid back.

I love my son.

But some days, I just want to knock him across the room.

Sociopath.

That word has come up in casual conversation with "experts." Yeah. I may be raising a sociopath. Yay for me. How many of you have raised a sociopath? Borderline psychopath?

He doesn't care (or at least appears to not care) about anyone except himself. He doesn't feel bad when he upsets his brother. Doesn't feel bad when his father and I are talking to him sternly ... or yelling because he hasn't listened to one word we've said to him. Only time he sheds a tear? When it affects him.

I've read articles about ADHD kids who beg their parents to understand them and not yell at them and not get upset when they don't listen, pay attention, or do what they're supposed to do. And other parents will comment and be like, "I'd never say that to my child! How dare they be that mean to their child. This is why some shouldn't pro-create."

Guys. When you are constantly telling someone to do something and they continually don't do that. Don't you get frustrated? Don't you raise your voice? Don't you say things you wish you hadn't?

When you CATCH RED HANDED your child stealing or lying and they continue to tell you that they didn't do it. Or when for the 15th time you've caught him in your closet stealing the iPads you've taken away from him because his search history is a little too mature than what he should be looking at. Or when you catch him stealing the APPLE TV from your room late at night and he says, "I just wanted to watch it while you were asleep because you wouldn't know."

Do you have to turn off the internet at a set time everyday so that he doesn't sneak on to the business computer- to which somehow he figures out the password every time you change it- to look at the internet at things he shouldn't be?

Have you ever left a full grocery shopping cart in the middle of the isle to physically carry your screaming child out of the store because you told him no, he couldn't have the candy bar?

Have you laid in bed late at night staring at the ceiling fan asking yourself what the hell you did wrong to have raised a child who has no empathy? Who doesn't care about consequences or rewards?

Have you locked the bathroom door to cry because your child is in his room throwing toys, punching walls, and screaming because you told him he couldn't play outside until his homework was done?

How many teacher conferences have you been to where you were told, "Oh we know he's a good kid, we just need him to pay attention - to slow down with his work - to control his anger - to stop talking ...."

How many times have you been called to the principal's office to discuss your child's behavior?

I have NEVER been to the principal's office as a child or teenager. I never got in trouble at school. The closest I got into trouble was a truancy letter that got sent home. I now know every single one of my son's principal's by first name and I dread when I see the school's number on my cellphone. I sometimes don't answer it because I'm tired.

I'm tired.

Raising a child is hard. It is. I knew it wasn't going to be a walk in the park. I knew it would be challenging. But it shouldn't be this difficult.

Is medicating him the best choice?

Yes. For us, it is. And STILL we aren't getting the results we need for society to treat him like the "normal child" they want him to be.

Medication isn't for everyone. I get it. But you'll never see me judging you for your decision, so don't judge me.

I'm embarrassed.

You never know when his tantrum will start or what will set it off. Do yo walk on eggshells? I absolutely hate the stares I get in public when my son is defiant and causes a scene. No one smiles at me and says "you've got this momma. Hang in there."

No. They give dirty looks and walk off and mutter "My child would never do that."

I didn't want to medicate. I tried everything to not medicate. I had seen what Ritalin did to loved ones and I didn't want my son to deal with that. But at this very exact moment, I'm to the point of let's raise his dosage to help him succeed in society. (He doesn't take Ritalin, but he takes numerous other meds).

Is that selfish of me? Yeah sure. But I'm Tired.

A tired momma will pretty much agree to do whatever it takes to help her offspring. You can hate all you want, but until there is proper education given to teachers to deal with ADD and ADHD and to the rest of society, our children will forever be the problem children in school.

They'll be the children that get blamed for any and everything. Why? Because they more than likely did it, BUT more importantly the school system is teaching other children that if they mess up, they can blame the problem children and they will get in trouble, not them.

That's what pisses me off the most.

I witnessed it happen to my son. They were at the playground. A girl pushed him. He pushed back. She cried. Who got in trouble? My son. Should he have pushed her back? No. But she shoved first. Both children should have been punished (or at least talked to). And this was in his kindergarten! Don't even get me started about his current teacher and grade. It's ridiculous.

So before you go judging parents who talk about ADHD or medicating. Walk in their shoes. I can pretty much guarantee that what you're seeing in public is NOTHING to what they deal with second to second in their homes. It's exhausting.

I could write on and on about this, but I know I've already lost you because you can't believe I'm such a horrible mother who can't even put up with her 10 year old.

Well get over it. Like I said, I'm tired.

I'm tired of yelling, punishing, trying new ideas and failing, whining, crying, explaining my child's actions, apologizing, worrying. I'm tired.

Just. Plain. Tired.

F*ck it - A Toddler's Mantra | Raising the Boys

While getting the toddler ready for his tumbling class, he turns around and says,

"When I'm grown up, I can say 'F*ck it."

Yeah.

I just stared at him.

I didn't mean to giggle, but I did.

And he goes, "What? It's true though." 

And shrugs his shoulders and walks into tumbling class.

I grabbed his socks and shoes, sat on the waiting chairs and shook my head.

If only it was that simple. 

AmIright?

Even though a three year old shouldn't be dropping the f-bomb, I was shocked and impressed at the same time.

(And I realized that I really need to watch what I say around that freaking parrot)

Not only did he use it correctly, he used it at the right time you would use it. He really didn't wanna give me his shoes, but I insisted that by me holding onto them, it'd be easier (and faster) to get to the big trampoline. So, he basically gave into wisdom (or so I'd like to think that's why he said what he said) and resisted the urge to argue and possibly cause more problems.

Why can't more adults be like that?

Given today's society climate, wouldn't it just be better to accept the "F*ck it" mantra?

Now, don't get me wrong -- yes, we should still stand up for what we believe is right and not give into pressure (with the proper research, knowledge and morals). 

BUT

When you reach a point of no return when you're shouting one thing and the other is shouting another and neither of you are ever going to agree and the argument is going no where...

Can you just reach a point where we can just say "F*ck it? Let's agree to disagree? Can you just hear me out?"

No, we are never going to reach that point.

Why?

Because we are humans. 

We will fight to our very last dying breath.

My point in all this?

That my toddler taught me a big lesson today. 

Not every argument is worth the win. You have to listen with reason. And sometimes, just sometimes ...

"F*ck it" is just the appropriate response.