Guys, it's been a rough few months.
I mean R.O.U.G.H.
I was starting to think that life was going to get a little easier for our family. We welcomed a little girl into this family of chaos - thinking - HOPING she'd bring a little calm into it.
We love the hell out of her. The boys treat her like a princess. My heart is full.
But it doesn't erase all the chaos. It really does add to it.
The ADHD doesn't magically disappear. The Autism doesn't fade away into nothing. The high pitched tantrums don't quiet down. The pushing, the shoving, the bickering, the big brother/little brother struggle just continues.
You think you have it all together one moment. You're juggling the stroller in one hand with the wiggling baby on the other hip. The boys are standing next to you and not arguing and everyone is smiling.
The next second, the middle boy is body slamming the older boy. The baby now is in full blown arched back, scream crying and the older boy now has the middle boy in a head lock ... in front of your acquaintances whom you wish would become close friends but know you'll never have a Thelma and Louis type of friendship because ... well...
Your children.
Wait what?
You're blaming your children?
Yeah. Maybe. Maybe I am.
I feel like no one really, truly understands what goes on in my household. I try so hard to keep a smile on my face and pretend like like I'm strong and will never give up. I confine to one or two of my friends but I still get the feeling they still don't understand. If there was a hidden camera in my household, I'd either be locked up or have a really amazing, six figured contract deal for a reality TV show.
But all I want right now is a proud momma moment. I just want one of those moments when the kid(s) does something so amazing that I can say, "I'm so proud of him." "I'd like to bragg on my boy(s) for a minute."
You start to notice you aren't getting invited to playdates anymore. You start to notice that eye contact doesn't happen very much any more in your social group. Jealously kicks in when pictures on social media pop up of people you think are amazing and you THOUGHT you were getting close ... but really ... you're not. Because, well - you're not in the picture of that fun outing. Nope. You're stuck at home because you think the world is against you.
I thought I was going to be this amazing mom. I was going to be crafty, cool, someone to confine in, and just all around awesome. But reality came a-knocking ... I'm a hot mess.
I'm so tired of complaining about my children. I don't know how you happy, peppy, look on the brighter side moms do it. I seriously look up to you so much. I strive to be like you. I try so, so, so hard to be like you. I want to be in the "in-crowd." I want to be the mom that meets up with the other moms at school drop off and shoot the shit about what we did as a group that past weekend.
Instead, I push the double stroller up to the door, smile politely, wait for the door to open and hurriedly hug my hyper boy goodbye as he hops happily into the school. I share pleasantries as I push the stroller back home and wallow in my miseries as I munch on snacks, edit a photo or two for my business, do some social media posts and call it "marketing" and then get the baby ready to pick up the boys from school ... continuing to pretend that our family isn't a complete sham on social media.
I know what we see on social media and most of the time out in public isn't the whole story. No, not every family is smiling and getting along. No, not every mom has it together. No, not every child is perfectly behaved all the time. I get it. But why do we not share the horrible moments? Why don't we come together to share what a shitty day we had or the horrible tantrum that was thrown. Or the bottle of wine you picked up on the hectic grocery run just to help take off the stress? The little bit of whiskey we throw in our morning coffee to help us through the day. Or the chocolate we have hidden in a locked case above our closet. Or the chips we silently (as much as we can) crunch in the back room to drown out the arguing in the front room.
We all want that proud momma moment to have other moms and parents to be like "oh damn, she's got her shit together." That's why we only share the "good moments" on social media (the majority of us at least). And when we few share the hard times, we get ridiculed by other moms. "Why would you share that?" "Why would you boast about that?" "You know, you really shouldn't say things like that." "Can you believe that's how she handled that?"
And that's why people only want to share the things they did "right" -- according to society that is ...
I'm ready to show my proud momma moment ... whenever it comes ... hopefully ....
How do y'all look to the brighter side? How do you continue trucking on when motherhood just seems to be sucking? I'd love to hear how y'all manage not going crazy.
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