Preteen Emotional Roller Coaster | Raising the Boys

Stars, Stripes and Sarcasm

Walking this path we are on dealing with ADHD and Autism ... I feel like it's a mixture of rocky trail combined with soft sand. And sometimes, it feels like we are gliding through mud.

We think we are getting somewhere in our journey, but then there's a fork in the road and all of sudden we are forced to decide which way to go. One way leads to more yelling, more stress, more anger, more tantrums. The other way leads to more therapy, more visuals hung up around the house, more deep sighs and more walking away to cool off.

It doesn't seem like there's ever a right path to choose. There isn't room for error yet the whole experience is trail and error because there is no cure, there is no easy button and there definitely isn't a choice to leave the trail all together.

So what is a mom (parent) of a special needs child to do? Stick with those who understand and don't judge - which is easier said than done. BUT - that's what a parent needs to do. You'll always get people putting in their two cents about what you SHOULD be doing. But you know what, I don't care who you are. When you have an emotionally unbalanced preteen on your hands, all SHOULDS, WOULD OFS, and COULD OFS go flying out the window.

We are still trying to find a medicine concoction that will stabilize our son. We've tried many and still haven't seen the results we are looking for. Is it too much of what we are asking for? Or is this the route we take? Hormones and new meds, emotions and physical ailments. I mean, I know I was awkward as hell as a preteen ... but this, this is the worst!

My final goal (and this is mine alone) is for my son to be free of medications and have the ability to control his impulses and tantrums and emotions. Call it being a 12 year old, or a stubborn boy, but he seems to not use the tools we provide him to do so.

He's been through so many therapists that he knows how to play each and every one. He says what he's supposed to. He can recite everything that he's supposed to do. But does he do it? Nope.

How do we ensure our son's future if there is no motivation or "umph" for him to succeed as an adult?

Guys, give me the strength to survive these preteen ... and ugh, TEEN years with him. I know he is worth it. I know he can achieve great successes ... I just need that attitude and stubbornness to cease!

How do y'all survive the preteen/teen years?

A Child's Worth is Challenged | Raising the Boys

So I’m going to confess something … I really don’t WANT to because I know I’ll get some backlash on this. Whether the backlash is said in public, behind a computer screen, or mumbled under your breath.

BUT

I feel like I NEED to confess this.

My eldest … my behavioral challenged son,  got suspended from school the other day because he brought a knife to school.

And not just a pocket knife, but a military grade knife.

Why you ask?

Because – and this is in his own words – he wanted to prove his worth to another child.

Yeah.

So --- This post is going to hit on three things here: the importance of teaching weapon safety, the importance to know a military child versus a civilian child, and child self esteem.

ONE – Obviously we agree with the school and the punishment and all that shit. I mean, I get it. It was a dumb thing my son did and luckily no one got hurt. And blah blah blah. I get it. To further his punishment, I made him write an essay on the importance of weapon safety and why we don’t bring weapons to school. He honestly didn’t think what he was doing was a bad choice. He just wanted to show off the knife. In the end, he cut himself. Not horribly, but he actually hurt himself in the process. So, really – he taught himself the importance of weapon safety.  He will read his essay to the princpals and his teacher – hopefully in front of the class so that he gets some “public shaming” peer-to-peer learning as well.

TWO – This leads me to the whole military child versus a civilian child. He brought to school a military grade knife. Not your typical Swiss Army Knife, but a knife that is longer than 6 inches and could do a lot of damage. If it had been about a half inch larger, he would have been expelled.

I get it. He shouldn’t have done this. I do, I really, truly understand why he was punished and that he F’d up. BUT – now hear me out, he’s the child of two military parents, two military grandparents, and 4 military great grandparents. It’s in his genes to not be normal when it comes to weapons.

Military child know about war. The hazards, the victims, the reason, and the allure. They make anything into guns, anything into knives, and anything becomes a bad guy versus good guy. Because that’s whats ingrained into their brains from birth. ESPECIALLY the military child of today. We have been at war for their entire lives. The chance of them having a parent or other family member at war is super ridiculous – even know the toll of multiple deployments. Face it civilian world, when a military child does anything – they’re going to do it to the fullest of MILITARY. So of course the kid he wanted to show off to had a smaller knife … he doesn’t have access to military grade knives! My child wanted to prove something and he did, “My knife is bigger (and cooler) than yours.”

THREE – Which brings me to conclude with a child’s self-esteem.  After our initial shock/anger of our sweet, 10 year old child bringing a weapon to school, things calmed down and I asked him why he did it. He shook his head and looked down at the ground. He had gotten caught with a knife that another student (rightfully so) told the teacher about and my son was going to be in really big trouble.

He eventually narc’d out another child who had brought a knife to school that day too – a child that my son seems to get into trouble with all the time. Who’s the bad influence here? I’m going to say the other child … because, well, I’m defending my child. LOL but that’s not the point. The point is, my son got teary-eyed and said, “[Child’s name] told me I meant nothing to him.”

Ouch.

I know right? My son continued to explain that this child is sometimes nice to him but most of the time he’s mean. I asked why he hangs out with this child then, and he shrugged his shoulders. Obviously, this child has some sort of power over my son, that my son will pretty much do anything for him. And I can relate.

Growing up, I had a “friend” who I would have done anything for just to get her to notice me or show my value to her. I get it. Friends are everything at this age. Children value their peer’s praise. They set their own worth on how others see them. And I don’t know how to fix that. I’ve, on multiple occasions, told my son how much he’s worth and the only person who can decide his worth is HIM.

But it’s not that easy is it?

How can we help our children see their worth? Our children are losing a battle right now. Society is changing so quickly and value/worth is seen through interaction with others  - and that is skewed because interaction with others sit behind computer screens now.  Children are committing suicide due to cyber-bullying. I mean, what the hell is wrong with our society right now?

Even though my son’s interaction with this other child was face to face and not over the internet, it was still very potent. Someone telling him he was nothing set into motion a series of events that lead to poor decisions on my son’s part. Luckily, no one was injured and hopefully we have taught him a lesson. But how dare that child say that.

And where do you think that child learned that? I’m not insinuating anything, but apparently, we (as parents/guardians) need to be better mentors to our children. They hear everything. They will mimic what they see. Be kind people … be kind.

And lock up your knives.

Tired: Parents of ADHD Children | Raising the Boys

So, I read an article the other day HERE, and it infuriated me.

Why?

Because I'm tired of "experts" telling me that my child is just acting like a child.

(Hey, they may actually be considered experts, but I'm still putting the quotes there)

No.

My child is different. 

Is it a mental illness? Is he "just being a boy?" Is it actually ADHD? I don't know. That's why I rely on "experts" to tell me how to help my child.

We have been through four different therapists. Two psychiatrists and we don't seem to be going anywhere.

I'm tired.

I'm so, so, so tired.

I vent. 

I vent to friends, family, social media.

But I always hear the same things -- from people who mean well, but it's still annoying.

"He'll grow out of it."

"He's just super active. He gets it from you."

"He just doesn't know how to control his emotions."

"If you could let him have something to hold, maybe he'd pay attention in class."

"Have you tried taking him off food dyes? Hormones? Make him gluten free?"

Yea people. I have.

Dye-free helped a tad. A Fidget toy gets taken away because it's a distraction according the teacher. He drinks almond milk and pretty much dairy free. No, he won't grow out of it, talked to a teacher who's ADHD the other day and she was one who sympathized with me and told me straight up, he won't grow out of it. But he will someday learn to cope. No, he's not super active like me, he's straight up hyper active ... I like to keep moving, but I can stop when I want. He cannot.

I. have. literally. tried. any. and. everything. to. help. my. child. succeed.

Have I seen a difference?

Yeah, but nothing significant that society wants him to act and be like.

Guys, I even tried giving him COFFEE because I read an article that explained the caffeine would actually slow him down because of his natural high.

Guys. I've read SO MANY ARTICLES on ADHD and the more I read, the more I try and the more I realize - ADHD IS A REAL THING.

ADHD wasn't around "when you were younger" because people didn't know what to look for. You just had "a lazy kid," "the problem child," or the "crazy hyper kid that always got in trouble."

Did you read the article above? The expert who wrote it said it's just a gimmick for pharmaceutical people to get rich and the doctors who prescribe it commission off of it.

"Drug them up."

"Make them zombies so parents can deal and go back to their smart phones uninterrupted."

Whatever. Do not judge parents with children with behavioral problems until you've walked in their shoes for one day.

Hell, I'd give you four hours and you'd want to give the kid back.

I love my son.

But some days, I just want to knock him across the room.

Sociopath.

That word has come up in casual conversation with "experts." Yeah. I may be raising a sociopath. Yay for me. How many of you have raised a sociopath? Borderline psychopath?

He doesn't care (or at least appears to not care) about anyone except himself. He doesn't feel bad when he upsets his brother. Doesn't feel bad when his father and I are talking to him sternly ... or yelling because he hasn't listened to one word we've said to him. Only time he sheds a tear? When it affects him.

I've read articles about ADHD kids who beg their parents to understand them and not yell at them and not get upset when they don't listen, pay attention, or do what they're supposed to do. And other parents will comment and be like, "I'd never say that to my child! How dare they be that mean to their child. This is why some shouldn't pro-create."

Guys. When you are constantly telling someone to do something and they continually don't do that. Don't you get frustrated? Don't you raise your voice? Don't you say things you wish you hadn't?

When you CATCH RED HANDED your child stealing or lying and they continue to tell you that they didn't do it. Or when for the 15th time you've caught him in your closet stealing the iPads you've taken away from him because his search history is a little too mature than what he should be looking at. Or when you catch him stealing the APPLE TV from your room late at night and he says, "I just wanted to watch it while you were asleep because you wouldn't know."

Do you have to turn off the internet at a set time everyday so that he doesn't sneak on to the business computer- to which somehow he figures out the password every time you change it- to look at the internet at things he shouldn't be?

Have you ever left a full grocery shopping cart in the middle of the isle to physically carry your screaming child out of the store because you told him no, he couldn't have the candy bar?

Have you laid in bed late at night staring at the ceiling fan asking yourself what the hell you did wrong to have raised a child who has no empathy? Who doesn't care about consequences or rewards?

Have you locked the bathroom door to cry because your child is in his room throwing toys, punching walls, and screaming because you told him he couldn't play outside until his homework was done?

How many teacher conferences have you been to where you were told, "Oh we know he's a good kid, we just need him to pay attention - to slow down with his work - to control his anger - to stop talking ...."

How many times have you been called to the principal's office to discuss your child's behavior?

I have NEVER been to the principal's office as a child or teenager. I never got in trouble at school. The closest I got into trouble was a truancy letter that got sent home. I now know every single one of my son's principal's by first name and I dread when I see the school's number on my cellphone. I sometimes don't answer it because I'm tired.

I'm tired.

Raising a child is hard. It is. I knew it wasn't going to be a walk in the park. I knew it would be challenging. But it shouldn't be this difficult.

Is medicating him the best choice?

Yes. For us, it is. And STILL we aren't getting the results we need for society to treat him like the "normal child" they want him to be.

Medication isn't for everyone. I get it. But you'll never see me judging you for your decision, so don't judge me.

I'm embarrassed.

You never know when his tantrum will start or what will set it off. Do yo walk on eggshells? I absolutely hate the stares I get in public when my son is defiant and causes a scene. No one smiles at me and says "you've got this momma. Hang in there."

No. They give dirty looks and walk off and mutter "My child would never do that."

I didn't want to medicate. I tried everything to not medicate. I had seen what Ritalin did to loved ones and I didn't want my son to deal with that. But at this very exact moment, I'm to the point of let's raise his dosage to help him succeed in society. (He doesn't take Ritalin, but he takes numerous other meds).

Is that selfish of me? Yeah sure. But I'm Tired.

A tired momma will pretty much agree to do whatever it takes to help her offspring. You can hate all you want, but until there is proper education given to teachers to deal with ADD and ADHD and to the rest of society, our children will forever be the problem children in school.

They'll be the children that get blamed for any and everything. Why? Because they more than likely did it, BUT more importantly the school system is teaching other children that if they mess up, they can blame the problem children and they will get in trouble, not them.

That's what pisses me off the most.

I witnessed it happen to my son. They were at the playground. A girl pushed him. He pushed back. She cried. Who got in trouble? My son. Should he have pushed her back? No. But she shoved first. Both children should have been punished (or at least talked to). And this was in his kindergarten! Don't even get me started about his current teacher and grade. It's ridiculous.

So before you go judging parents who talk about ADHD or medicating. Walk in their shoes. I can pretty much guarantee that what you're seeing in public is NOTHING to what they deal with second to second in their homes. It's exhausting.

I could write on and on about this, but I know I've already lost you because you can't believe I'm such a horrible mother who can't even put up with her 10 year old.

Well get over it. Like I said, I'm tired.

I'm tired of yelling, punishing, trying new ideas and failing, whining, crying, explaining my child's actions, apologizing, worrying. I'm tired.

Just. Plain. Tired.