Accommodations Don't Have to be Made | My Hot Mess

I know this won't go over well with everyone ... shit, it really does't go over well with me. But I have been thinking on this subject and well -- it needs to be said.

News Flash:

I don't have to accommodate for you. 

GASP.

"But Shari, what do you mean? I need you bend to my every need and will."

Nope.

What if I told you, you don't have to accommodate for me.

"Whaaaaaaat?"

I know right?

In today's society, we are forced to be politically correct. We are forced to bend to everyone's needs and we forget that well ... unless the law tells us to, we really don't have to.

Is it morally right to do?

Sure.

Is it ethically right to do?

Yeah.

But do I have to do it?

Nope.

I don't have to hold the door open for you even though you're carrying five billion bags in your hands.

I don't have to move to the right when I see you walking down the path towards me to ensure there's room for both of us.

I don't have to wait in line for the bathroom.

I don't HAVE to give you a refund.

I don't have to apologize when I'm in the wrong. Shit, I don't even have to admit I was wrong.

I don't have to do anything for you.

But I will and I do.

It's morally the right thing to do. It makes me feel better about myself knowing that I helped out another person. I held that door open for you ... and even though you don't have to say thank you ... you should. I moved over to the right with my big ass double stroller to make room for you to jog by alone, you should at least smile at me - I know exercise and talking isn't my best quality but a smile should suffice. I waited in line for the bathroom because it was the right thing to do ... even though I had a pee-pee dancing toddler next to me. I gave you a refund because, even though in my contract I said no refund if the client cancels, because I want to practice good business skills and didn't wanna lose more clients because of the hassle. I apologized when I was wrong because you mean the world to me and I don't want to you lose you because of a stupid argument.

See? That's how it's supposed to work.

I'm not saying I'm a push over, but don't demand anything of me. Because I don't owe you a thing in this world. I simply stay polite and bite my tongue because this world needs a little more sunshine and lot less darkness right now.

Our society believes that they need everything handed to them. I'm not just talking about the millennials y'all. I love the millennials - those emo, punk loving, hippie millennials. I'm talking all of us.

I got pissed the other day because our cable service is totally a monopoly in our city and charges way too much, has not a lick of customer service, and basically I'm out an extra $50 because if I cancel with them, I won't have anymore internet or cartoons to babysit  keep my kids busy. I was PISSED. But again, the cable company owes me nothing (other than good customer service). I don't HAVE to use them, but it's kinda needed in my family. So I do. Do I like it? No. Would I recommend them to anyone? No. Are we going to use them when we move to another state? No. Are they practicing good business strategies?? No. But they don't owe me a damn thing.

So I'll sit here on my internet cursing their name BUT I accept that they suck. And it sucks. But life sometimes sucks too.

What am I blabbing about?

Just be nice to people! 

They don't owe you anything. You don't owe them. You don't know their life. They don't know yours.

Live you life and try to spread happiness rather than hate.

**Stepping off my soap box**

When the Shit Hits the Fan | Loving Him

I don't know how you single parents do it.

You guys rock. 

I mean, you really do!

I understand you get into your routines and you set the rules ... you're in charge and don't have to rely on someone else's opinion or routines.

BUT

What do you do when the shit hits the fan??

Like -- The car breaks down just before football practice and you think you walk there but you actually had the wrong address ... so now you just walked a mile away from the house with your 11 year old son and 4 year old toddler to find out you're in the wrong place and won't be making the practice after all - which your eldest has been losing forward to all week and now you have to walk all the way back home with a whiny toddler who's tired and a pissed off preteen. Oh not to mention, that morning you walked 3.5 miles to get your toddler to dance class only to find out it was canceled and you missed the phone call from the teacher because you were busy WALKING/PUSHING the big ass double stroller to post to make it on time for the flipping dance class.  Oh and then throw a sick infant into the mix ... yeah.

The only thing that could've made it worse ... a broken full bottle of wine on your kitchen floor and your husband calls from his TDY to ask "How'd your day go?"

Yeah.

How the hell do you handle that EVERY SINGLE DAY!?

Having an extra set of hands around the house is so awesome. It really is. I lucked out when it came to finding my forever mate. He's pretty awesome.

But why the fuck does everything pile up when he's gone?!

Like, seriously? The truck couldn't break down when he was here? Like - seriously?

We are a two car family. We are lucky. BUT this week - he took the second vehicle on TDY. So we only had the ONE vehicle.

This comes to another round of applause...

Here's to the single car families!!!

You guys are amazing. Getting everyone to work, to school, to activities, back to pick up from school, pickup from work, back home.... etc. You guys are super humans. You really are. I was exhausted and could not wait for the truck to be fixed.

I understand that when it's a way of life, you make it happen. If you only have one car - you figure it out. If you're the only parent - you figure it. I get it.

But when life suddenly changes and you're down a job, down a car, down a parent, down SOMETHING. Why does it seem everything else hits the fan too? Is it the extra stress? You only look at the negative now? How do you guys surpass the "FML" feeling and get shit done? Because I was about to just say F it and run away!

No joke!

Strong-willed Child: Blessing or Curse? | Raising the Boys

I mean we don’t want to raise pushovers right? We don’t want to raise followers. But we also don’t want to raise assholes.

It’s not all about them but how much do we teach them to serve others? Type a personalities go places but they also raise hell (and not always the good hell).

Then you add a toddler’s brain to the mix where they can’t fully explain their emotions or frustrations and what do you get? Meltdowns. Tantrums. Hitting. Growling. Not being able to socialize with other strong willed children-separation. How do you find a balance?


No, seriously. I'm asking you.

My toddler (well, technically preschooler now) has been pushing all the buttons lately. I know he wants to find his indolence. I know he can fully communicate what he wants and doesn't want. I know he is tired of adults telling him what to do and what not to do. 

I get it. I really do.

But how the hell do I tell him it's cool to be the class leader, but then turn around and say "but take turns."

My poor child. 

Today at tumbling, he wanted to be the line leader. Coach told him to let someone else be the leader and to try being second.

He didn't like that. He left the gym floor and came in to the parent room. I asked him if he didn't want to participate any more and he told me his dilemma. I was frank, "If you don't want to take turns, let's go home."

He didn't like that either. So he decided to give it another try. 

Everything was going well. He even got to jump on the trampoline first. After his turn, he sat down like he was supposed to.

Crisscross-apple sauce.

The other child that he was butting heads with about being leader - another strong-willed child. Came up after his turn, pushed my son to the side (so he could be first to get sticker). 

My son didn't like that. 

He retaliated. 

He open handedly punched the other child in the stomach.

I watched the whole ordeal from the parent window.

So did the other child's mother. 

We both exchanged looks, shook our heads, gathered up our gear and retrieved our boys.

No - pushing is not tolerated.

No - hitting is not tolerated ... 

But how do you explain that to two four years olds who want to rule the world one day?

How?!

All I want to do is raise polite boys that respect each other and others around them. I want them to tolerate those they can't stand and to stand up for what they believe in. I want them to check facts before arguing and I want them to have their own opinions. I want them to be president if they so care to. I want them to be the leaders of the world, not the followers that mindlessly walk the earth.

Where the hell is the user manual on this kid!?!

Just Co-Living at the Moment | Loving Him

My husband and I just celebrated our 13th year of marriage.

Thank you *takes bow* a-thank-u

Long military marriages are rare ... I mean, I hate to bring out the statistics ... but marriage/divorce rates are ridiculously high in the military.

Is it because we are a smaller population than one would think? Or is it really just that bad?

I don't know. But I am proud to say that we are not part of that statistic.

However ...

(there's always a however huh?)

I do want to say that 13 years feels like forever. I mean, not literally. I do enjoy marriage and I don't really think we are growing old (at least in heart). But at the same time ... things have changed.

We aren't those two love birds in the park parking lot making out on the car hood.

Ga-ROSS.

We don't send lovey-dovey texts to one another every second of the day. We settle for once every few days. ;)

We aren't in a constant tangle of limbs any more.

And we normally don't go to bed at the same time...

We are merely co-living at the moment.

And that's okay.

I'm okay with it, I sure hope he's okay with it.

We are okay.

Life sorta gets in the way of being a couple sometimes.

Right now, we have an infant who eats every two hours, wakes up in the middle of the night and needs our undivided attention 24/7.

We have a toddler who is getting used to the fact that he isn't the youngest any more. In fact, being the middle child sorta sucks for him at the moment. He is afraid of his room that he will eventually share with his sister. Absolutely hates her fox decor and has been an emotional wreck lately because all he wants is the attention back on him.

Then there's our eldest, ADHD/Autistic son who has grown into a smart-ass with lots and lots of attitude. He wants the attention the littles are stealing and he's going to get it anyway he can - even if it's negative. He argues over everything ... even the smallest, minute things. The other day, we argued over three pieces of candy versus four pieces. I mean ... come on.

By the time bedtime rolls around, all we want to do is get the kids to sleep so that we can lounge in our prospective spots on the couch with the TV noise in the background and us staring at our Facebook newsfeed, catching up on other peoples "normal" lives.

Therapists and other happy couples may tell you that we are not doing the right thing. "You should take time with each other and treat it as a romantic evening in. Give each other your full attention."

Blah.

I mean, I get it. We need to still pay attention to each other. After all, we wouldn't have the family we have if it didn't first start with us and being so crazy in love that we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I mean ...

I get it.

But right now. I'm nursing and postpartum. I don't want to mess around at night.

He's back to working long hours and *ahem* ... had a surgery. So I'm sure he's just wanting to sleep at night as well.

We're co-living right now.

And that's okay.

Soon we will get back to US. We will. I know we will.

But right now, the stress level in this house just needs to be dealt with as a parenting unit and all of our energy needs to go to these wacked-out kids who need the love they are screaming for.

He's still my best friend. He's still my heart and soul. He still means everything to me.

But right now, the baby is crying to be fed. The toddler needs a hug. And the boy needs to clean his room....

But we are okay.

Should You "Niche?" | Girl Boss

Ever since the beginning ...

That sounds like I'm going to get all philosophical, huh?

Ever since the beginning ... of my hobby turned professional business, I've heard the words,

"Find your Niche."

Niche.

Watchu mean my "niche?"

I'm a photographer. 

That's my niche ... bitch.

LOL

Sorry had to.

But seriously, all the successful photographers - or at least whom I viewed as successful, were telling me to pick a niche and stick to it.

Meaning, pick a genre to photograph and nothing more.

Because my background is in photojournalism and thats really wear my heart lays --

I chose to tell people I specialize in events.

I normally get the "oh ..."

Meaning, they don't have an "event" to photograph, they want portraits so I'm not the one for them.

This is where I play catch up and follow with, "But I like to call myself a lifestyle photographer because I don't like posing families. I mean, what three year old is going to sit perfectly still in front of my lens for an hour session? I let you guys be ... well YOU. We have fun on our sessions and nothing really is 'posed' per say, we will definitely have fun and you'll get great family portraits out of it."

Phew. Saved right?

Well, sorta. I book the client, we have fun, they love their pictures, it gets posted on my Facebook page or Blog and that's that.

I recently put an ad together for my Facebook cover and realized ... I photograph pretty much everything ...

(Watch in HD on YouTube)

But those "portraits" aren't my niche are they?

Or when I wanna get creative and I ask for a volunteer model and we get creative. I now have a beautiful portrait of a model and now headshots are being asked for by other models.

What about the vendor that asked me to photograph their products? Heck yeah. I'll support another small business.

Or the client who has been coming to me for all their life's moments? Their engagement, their wedding, their newborn ....

ERRRRRRRRRRR?! What?! (those were tire screech marks if you couldn't tell)

I do NOT do newborn. But for them, I decided to ... and I put my own spin to it. "

Lifestyle Newborn"

And they loved it.

I tried boudoir for Valentines Day ... nope, not my niche ... but I tried it.

Basically, what I'm alluding to is that my niche isn't a niche at all. It's about me trying.

It's my business, I get to run it how I want. 

I can say yes to one session and no to another. If I wanna give it a try, I'll give it a try.

Does this work for everyone? No ... but it appears to work for me.

But I am a photojournalistic, lifestyle photographer who loves natural light and capturing moments as they happen. That's my niche.

But let's get one thing straight, if you want boudoir or posed newborn images ... I am NOT the photographer for you. But I will point you in the right direction to someone WAY better at those niche's than I!

;)

Run your business how you see fit, girlfriend.

After all, you are the Girl Boss.

Where'd My Happy Go? | My Hot Mess

Lemme explain something:

I'm happy. I really, truly am.

BUT --

It has been a while since I've really, truly FELT happy.

I've had many moments throughout these past few months after the move that I've felt happiness.

I've made friends, no one super close, but we haven't even been here a year yet - so I'm good with what I have thus far. I work out with them, I hang out with them, the kids enjoy each other; so they're friends for sure.

The house has been fine, nothing perfect, but nothing horrible. The pictures are hung and they make me smile as I move from room to room. The dogs have claimed their shaded spots in the yard, and even the cat had been more friendly.

My husband's job is stressful, but fulfilling. He has made a relationship with his coworkers and he's part of the Team RWB softball team. -- which I have become heavily affiliated with. I'm the community engagement director (community service) for our city's group.

The boys enjoy horseback riding, golf and tumbling. School is hectic, and well ... to be honest, that hasn't brought me any kind of happiness, BUT my eldest has made friends there.

My business is going. Nothing spectacular but again, I've only been in business here 9 months ... what do you expect.

We are expecting baby #3 in the Fall and we couldn't be any more excited. Will it be another crazy boy or will we get to buy bows and ribbons??

So, on the outside, everything seems to be falling into place. I SHOULD be happy. I SHOULD know where my happy is.

But guys, I don't know where I put it. I've lost it somewhere between the move, school trouble, family stress, personal doubt, and of course - appearing to have it all together. FYI - I don't.

I thought yoga was my start to finding my happy again, and it a way, it has. However, my free place to practice has now changed to a place 45 mins away (an hour with traffic) and once you get there, parking is a bitch and by the time I get to yoga - I'm so stressed out, that the session is just a bust. I haven't been in about a month and a half. Why don't I do it at home? Psh.... you try finding your happy with a 3 year old running around!

I've also really dug into essential oils. I've relying heavily on lavender to calm me and others to purify my home. I joke that I need a practicing Wiccan (or a priest) to come purify my home ... but I think there is some sense of truth behind my jokes. I had a friend volunteer to "smudge" my home. I need to hit her up and have her do that ASAP.

I have even looked into the healing "powers" of stones/gems. Guys ... I'm not a hippie-dippie  person. I'm not. And when yogi's start chanting and bringing out the drums ... I start to giggle. But guys, I'm willing to try anything to find my happy again.

A friend (check her out HERE) started making lava rock/bead bracelets that you can drop essential oils on and what not. Not only are they gorgeous but she also took a suggestion of mine and used howlite beads (for anxiety and calmness) and of course, chakra beads! ... I'm wearing the shit outta her bracelets. I think I'm going to buy up all her stock ... every other day I'm asking her for another sized bracelet! I got three for me, one for my eldest and one for my husband.

Dammit, we are going to find our happy. 

I don't believe I'm in a depressed state of mind, I think its just the stress of raising a defiant child, chasing a toddler, growing a baby, loving a husband ... and still making dinner. I mean, I guess every one still has to eat! ;)

Like I said, there have been moments of joy and happiness, but for some reason, it doesn't stick around. I need that sucker to stop disappearing on me! Where'd I put that super glue?

How do you find your happy? How do you keep it?