Parenting is Hard | Raising the Boys

*Disclaimer: I understand I now have a daughter - but the boys are still the main focus of this section ... they have a little bit more attitude at the moment and lot more laughable moments. Soon she may have her own section or added to this section. But Not just yet - we shall see how her personality grows!

Did I miss the instruction manual section when we were discharged from the hospital? 

Did you guys get one?

You know what I'm talking about.

The "How to be the coolest parent ever and raise a perfect gentleman" book?

No?

There's no "Easy Button?"

'Cause I'd pay a pretty penny to just push the easy button right about now.

Y'all should know about my Autistic/ADHD preteen by now, and if not HERE is the link. I feel like I'm going to be constantly looking at him with  the "What the hell is your problem" facial expression for the rest of my life. The second I feel like I'm understanding him and getting him - he turns around with another issue or quirk that has me second guessing why I decided to become a mother.

Then there's the four year old who's finding his own place in the family. He's now the middle child and he is making it real apparent that he will not be "forgotten" or "pushed aside." We would never do that intentionally, but you know how the stereotype is when it comes to the middle child. His attitude and antagonizing ways of late have been - to say the least - getting on my last nerve.

If you happen to find my patience ... can you please tell her come back? Could really use her sound judgment and constant reminding that these boys are learning. They're learning to be decent humans while trying to find their own in this crazy world.

Parenting is Hard y'all.

I question why I decided becoming a parent was a good thing. I think being the cool aunt who does fun and exciting things with her nephews would've suited me better AND helped keep me sane. I'm pretty sure if our neighbors ever reported me to law - I'd be admitted for insanity. These boys are killing me. Forget them living to 18 years old ... I may not see them turn 18 years old.

Even though the doc says I'm in great health, I feel like my blood pressure should be through the roof. I feel like my mental health has declined and I feel like I'm physically deteriorating because of the stress and hassle I put up with every single day. If it wasn't for the help of friends, family, and my husband for allowing my to do "me time" every so often - I'd be dead. Seriously.

I've read multiple parenting books ... I normally don't make it through them because my ideas of parenting and there's don't align. I've gone to multiple therapy appointments and tried multiple strategies to keep the chaos to a minimum in my family. I've tried family meetings, I've tried the "yes method," I've tried no yelling - I've tried yelling. We've spanked and we've done time outs. I've done the "how do you feel about your actions" strategy and I've done the "no" strategy. We have multiple behavior, chore, and goal charts. I have a "write 3 good things that happened today" journal and I have this blog. I'm running out of ideas, wall space and patience ... well the patience is gone. What else is there to do?

Then there's moments when we are sitting on the couch and my toddler curls up next me and falls asleep on my shoulder. Or when he walks up to me and hugs me. The other day a friend overheard him say that he had the best mom ever. I mean ... that must mean I'm doing something right .... right?

Or when my preteen finally looks me in the eye and says, "That was the best family hike we've ever went on. It was really fun." Or when he picks up his little sister when she's crying and comforts her. When a complete stranger compliments him on his good manners or looks at me and says, "you're doing a good job with this young man."

There's something going right in this house I suppose.

Parenting is hard. When do we truly know what we are doing with our children is the right thing? When will the "reward" outweigh the hard times? I'm told I'll miss these days of them being young and running around the house. I believe these fairy tales ... I really do. But they are also very hard to imagine at this point in my parenting life. We shall see.

We shall see.

Strong-willed Child: Blessing or Curse? | Raising the Boys

I mean we don’t want to raise pushovers right? We don’t want to raise followers. But we also don’t want to raise assholes.

It’s not all about them but how much do we teach them to serve others? Type a personalities go places but they also raise hell (and not always the good hell).

Then you add a toddler’s brain to the mix where they can’t fully explain their emotions or frustrations and what do you get? Meltdowns. Tantrums. Hitting. Growling. Not being able to socialize with other strong willed children-separation. How do you find a balance?


No, seriously. I'm asking you.

My toddler (well, technically preschooler now) has been pushing all the buttons lately. I know he wants to find his indolence. I know he can fully communicate what he wants and doesn't want. I know he is tired of adults telling him what to do and what not to do. 

I get it. I really do.

But how the hell do I tell him it's cool to be the class leader, but then turn around and say "but take turns."

My poor child. 

Today at tumbling, he wanted to be the line leader. Coach told him to let someone else be the leader and to try being second.

He didn't like that. He left the gym floor and came in to the parent room. I asked him if he didn't want to participate any more and he told me his dilemma. I was frank, "If you don't want to take turns, let's go home."

He didn't like that either. So he decided to give it another try. 

Everything was going well. He even got to jump on the trampoline first. After his turn, he sat down like he was supposed to.

Crisscross-apple sauce.

The other child that he was butting heads with about being leader - another strong-willed child. Came up after his turn, pushed my son to the side (so he could be first to get sticker). 

My son didn't like that. 

He retaliated. 

He open handedly punched the other child in the stomach.

I watched the whole ordeal from the parent window.

So did the other child's mother. 

We both exchanged looks, shook our heads, gathered up our gear and retrieved our boys.

No - pushing is not tolerated.

No - hitting is not tolerated ... 

But how do you explain that to two four years olds who want to rule the world one day?

How?!

All I want to do is raise polite boys that respect each other and others around them. I want them to tolerate those they can't stand and to stand up for what they believe in. I want them to check facts before arguing and I want them to have their own opinions. I want them to be president if they so care to. I want them to be the leaders of the world, not the followers that mindlessly walk the earth.

Where the hell is the user manual on this kid!?!

My Boy is a Mess, Literally | Raising the Boys

Guys, I know - I know... another post about the boys? 

Well YEAH.

When you have two boys and they pretty much consume your entire life ... most of my chaotic life is about them.

So suck it up.

I wanna talk about cleaning rooms. 

Who else has a fight with their child overtime it's "cleaning day?"

Yeah, we have a cleaning day because of all the fights we get into. Like, if it's not scheduled, all hell breaks loose. Like, it still does, but it's more like Hiroshima chaos instead of my life is over chaos.

Is there a difference? 

I suppose not, but at least I can use the argument, "You know it's Sunday and it's CLEANING DAY."

Guys, my eldest ... he could live in a pig-stye and not mind it one bit.

Not ONE bit.

Like, he will bitch and moan all day about cleaning his room ... eventually it'll get done -- like 5 days later, but it's somewhat picked up. I can at least see the floor.

Give him 5 minutes of "play time" and the room is wrecked again. I don't get it.

I'm not OCD in like everything has to be perfect ... I'm not super germaphobic, but I don't like clutter and there does come a point where I'll look at the kitchen sink and be like, "What in the F? This place is a disaster and we need to clean."

I have him do his own laundry because I'm tired of doing loads upon loads every weekend. He complains about folding the clothes. I told him to hang his clothes then ... NOPE. Where do they end up?

On the Ground.

Next to the dirty clothes ...

Then guess what? Now we don't know what's clean or dirty.

What in the actual hell?!

Also, his idea of cleaning is pushing all the crap/toys/paper/whatever to the corners of the room. Because, "mom, you can see the floor."

OH EM GEE.

Boy! This is not clean! it smells in here and if you were to vacuum right now, all your tiny legos would be sucked up. GET THIS ROOM CLEAN!

Now before y'all start offering up ideas on how to make this process simpler ... lemme tell you what we have tried:

1) A timer - we set a time limit for him to clean. If he completes it in time (properly) he gets a reward (extra outside time, a date night ...ect.) If he doesn't, okay that's fine we will continue on our day but he will not get any rewards or normal play time until it is cleaned.

2) A picture board - I actually took an hour and half and cleaned his room with him explaining exactly how I want it to look. I took pictures of everything. We made a chart that stated "This is how my room looks clean." So this is more of a visual cue of what a clean room looks like.

3) Saying "F - it" as long the toys are in the toy box and the clothes are hung, and I can see the floor -- it's clean. All he had to do was throw toys (unorganized) into boxes off the floor and hang his clothes. Oh, and ensure his bed is made (comforter neat with pillows piled nicely). That's IT!

4) Taking all his stuff away - He's complained that he has too much of a mess (meaning too much stuff), so I took everything away. All he had was his bed and clothes. But somehow, even THEN his room would be full of paper trash and the clothes all over the place. He could care less that he had no toys.

5) Forgetting about the mess - The therapist told us to "ignore the mess." Uh ... okay. So I just closed the door to his room. Two months later the mess was so unbearable, I went in and cleaned the shit up. So what did that teach him? If I wait long enough, mom will do it for me.

6) Threatened his life ... no not really ... but sorta. It just doesn't work. I don't ask for much. I just want it to be tidy. I wasn't a super clean child either and I remember arguing with my parents about my room ... but I cleaned it when told to do so. I just don't get it.

So after all that ... you guys have any other suggestions? I may or may not listen because frankly ... I've given up. I throw in the towel. I will forever be cleaning up after him and his spouse in the far future will be doing the same thing.

Poor poor soul.

Good luck out there peeps!

12 Days with the Damn Elf | Raising the Boys

Please tell me I'm not the only one that dreads this damn thing. I mean, it started out as fun and cute for my eldest. He was acting up in school, saw the Elf at Barnes & Noble ... thought it'd scare the shit out of him ... Bought it. And Ta-da! End of misbehaving right?

Nope. Not even close.

This damn guy has been on strike due to behavior, has went back to the North Pole and threatened not to come back, he's given writing assignments and he's been chewed up by the dogs ...

He's given secret missions for the kids to spread kindness, and he's made them go out and find things for exercise ...

Given them crafts to make for loved ones ... told them that they're special ....

Shit, he's even portrayed a favorite book character to get them to behave.

And yet? Nothing. The kids aren't scared of this guy. They enjoy waking up to see what sorta thing he's been up to during he night. And to be honest, I don't even think my eldest believes he's moving by himself any more.

I purposely didn't have him show up after Thanksgiving this year ... why? Because I'm running out of ideas to do with this guy! We've done Ninja, Minecraft, Star Wars, Spiderman, Harry Potter, This Day In History, Crafts, Threats, Daring Feats, Silly Mischief, Camera Fun ... I even hand cut damn snowflakes into Star Wars characters! What more does a mom have to do to make their kids happy?

Apparently keep up the charade of this damn elf going back and forth to the North Pole every night to tattle on the kiddos to Santa - the big boss. And my creativeness is just going to have to rely on Pinterest and Google searches! Good luck out there parents! If you get an Elf on the Shelf ... be prepared! And if you wanna follow our elf, Raheem, every holiday season ... check out my photography Facebook Page and my Pinterest!

God Speed!

What the "H" in ADHD really Means | Raising the Boys

This is my eldest.

He has ADHD.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

Crazy right? He doesn't look like he has a "disorder" here. 

Or in general.

But none-the-less, he is considered "special" in school. He misbehaves. He talks out of turn. He can't sit still. His brain runs one hundred miles per hour ... every. single. day.

He fixates on a topic and learns everything about that topic and makes sure everyone knows about that one topic. He rolls his eyes if you don't know. And his tone is sharp when correcting you.

To an outsider he looks like a spoiled little brat who consciously acts out in public when he doesn't get his way or if his little brother takes something of his.

He gets labeled the problem child and he sees the school counselor every week and is over-emotional at the slightest of disturbances. 

He'll cry over spilled milk.

He'll smack the shit out of you if you do him wrong.

He'll growl at you when he has to do something he doesn't want to do.

He'll throw stuff across the room when angry.

I have physically restrained him. And I've been to the brink of tears over one of his public melt downs in Walmart.

We go to countless doctor appointments from therapists to psychiatrists to nutritionists and child psychologists. 

He was suspended in kindergarten 
  TWICE.

But because he looks normal, he and our family look chaotic in a not so chaotic society.

Here's the thing folks, my son frustrates the hell out of me. He's messy, disorganized, forgetful, and

HYPER. 

"Oh he's just being a boy." I would hear all the time.

"Medication will zombie him out." They would say.

"Can't you just control him?" Others would glare.

Until they saw him in action.

Why does he HIT out of anger?
He's HYSTERICAL, can't you calm him?
Why does he HOARD all the toys?
What a HORRID way to act in public.
What a HELLISH boy.

I was HURT.
I felt HELPLESS.
It's a HEAVY burden to carry.
How could people be so HEARTLESS to this boy.
It was completely HORRIFYING.

Yes, lots of "H" words could describe what he was going through, what I was going through, what others thought of us. But HYPER never was one that people understood.

Because face it, all children are hyper. And all children are to act a certain way. And that way is to be normal.

But what is NORMAL?

The normal now-a-days isn't what it used to be. ADD and ADHD have become more talked about and more recognized than ever. Some still believe it's a made up disorder. A way of medicating children to be zombies or because parents can't handle their spoiled brats anymore. Parent's don't know how to say no. Parent's are too easy on their children. Parents are weak now.

Blah, Blah, Blah.

Well, wake up. ADD/ADHD is real. It's a chemical imbalance that is a chronic condition marked by persistent inattention, hyperactivity, and sometimes impulsivity. 

ADHD is a common behavioral disorder that affects about 10% of school-age children. Boys are about three times more likely than girls to be diagnosed with it, though it's not yet understood why.

Kids with ADHD act without thinking, are hyperactive, and have trouble focusing. They may understand what's expected of them but have trouble following through because they can't sit still, pay attention, or focus on details.

http://kidshealth.org/en/parents/adhd.html 


So get your head out of your ass and see my son as he is:

Happy
Handsome
Healthy
Humorous
Hopeful
And did I mention Happy?

He's a happy little boy who is struggling to find his place in the world. He's constantly fighting spontaneous behaviors and deciding which one is the proper way to act and which ones aren't. 

But he's my boy and I'm hopeful that he will someday understand that his happiness doesn't come from what others think of him. He is a unique superhero who's constantly fighting the "bad guys" and honestly, he's my hero.

That's what the "H" really stands for.