Jealousy of Gender Roles | Loving Him

Is it wrong of me to smirk, just a tad, when I leave for a said amount of time and my husband is alone with the children?

Is it wrong of me to heave a sigh of relief when my children act out when my husband has them?

Is it wrong for me to feel some sort of satisfaction that my husband is stressing over all the minuscule tasks of day-to-day life of raising a family and still trying to have a career?

Is it wrong of me to be just a tad disappointed when family members come out to help him while I'm gone?

I mean ... these are all just hypothetical questions, and I would NEVER have these feelings ...

*insert eye roll*

Listen, my husband is awesome and he never complains about having to do extra house chores or watching his own children when mommy needs a break. I'm not saying he's not competent enough to do this on his own, because he very much is.

And I'm lucky for that.

HOWEVER,

(and yes, there's always a however in these sort of posts)

However, I have been through 7 deployments where he was gone anywhere from 9 months to 4/6 months at a time. One of them we were childless but the rest I had one child to two.

And here's the thing.

I made shit happen. 

Was it stressful? Hell yeah!

Was it a pain in the ass? Hell yeah!

But I made it just fine.

I will insert here that I did have help from time to time from family members but mostly because I would have my Army Reserve duty over the weekends and my mother would come out to help. I also had my father-in-law come out when I had a leadership course that was over two weeks long.

BUT - every other day, it was me and the boys.

And we made it.

So, when I leave for two weeks here and a month there, I get frustrated that he has the help from my mother or his mother.

I get it, it is different now because I work from home so our schedule is different. We need someone to care for out littlest full time and the oldest takes the bus home. Husband doesn't get home until after 5pm so the oldest would be home alone for 2 hours ... which, we can't exactly TRUST him to be alone for that amount of time. So I get that we need the extra help.

I really do. 

Though, the littlest could technically go to daycare full time (an added expense that would be a burden, but doable because I am getting paid more tan normal) and the eldest could be picked up from school by dad or hang out at the after school program in his school ... so see? Things could be done to fully immerse my husband into the hell life I endured (and still do) when he leaves.

Alas, I do want to conclude with this:

I am very lucky to have the man I have asa husband. One who takes on the challenges and appreciates what I do every day. He even mentioned to me over the phone the other day that he doesn't know how I do what I do every day. LOL It meant a lot to me for him to actually see everything from my perspective. It's very easy for the spouse who leaves all the time to not understand how hard it really is back home. They've got other things to worry about; the job, the hazards, the monotony, etc.

I try not to feel jealous of the help he gets, because family members are always willing to come to my aide if I was to need it. Yeah, I want him to suffer through what I do, but I'm so very thankful that I have people in our lives that are able to help at the drop of a pin.

Do any of you feel the same way? How do you combat these feelings?

Tired: Parents of ADHD Children | Raising the Boys

So, I read an article the other day HERE, and it infuriated me.

Why?

Because I'm tired of "experts" telling me that my child is just acting like a child.

(Hey, they may actually be considered experts, but I'm still putting the quotes there)

No.

My child is different. 

Is it a mental illness? Is he "just being a boy?" Is it actually ADHD? I don't know. That's why I rely on "experts" to tell me how to help my child.

We have been through four different therapists. Two psychiatrists and we don't seem to be going anywhere.

I'm tired.

I'm so, so, so tired.

I vent. 

I vent to friends, family, social media.

But I always hear the same things -- from people who mean well, but it's still annoying.

"He'll grow out of it."

"He's just super active. He gets it from you."

"He just doesn't know how to control his emotions."

"If you could let him have something to hold, maybe he'd pay attention in class."

"Have you tried taking him off food dyes? Hormones? Make him gluten free?"

Yea people. I have.

Dye-free helped a tad. A Fidget toy gets taken away because it's a distraction according the teacher. He drinks almond milk and pretty much dairy free. No, he won't grow out of it, talked to a teacher who's ADHD the other day and she was one who sympathized with me and told me straight up, he won't grow out of it. But he will someday learn to cope. No, he's not super active like me, he's straight up hyper active ... I like to keep moving, but I can stop when I want. He cannot.

I. have. literally. tried. any. and. everything. to. help. my. child. succeed.

Have I seen a difference?

Yeah, but nothing significant that society wants him to act and be like.

Guys, I even tried giving him COFFEE because I read an article that explained the caffeine would actually slow him down because of his natural high.

Guys. I've read SO MANY ARTICLES on ADHD and the more I read, the more I try and the more I realize - ADHD IS A REAL THING.

ADHD wasn't around "when you were younger" because people didn't know what to look for. You just had "a lazy kid," "the problem child," or the "crazy hyper kid that always got in trouble."

Did you read the article above? The expert who wrote it said it's just a gimmick for pharmaceutical people to get rich and the doctors who prescribe it commission off of it.

"Drug them up."

"Make them zombies so parents can deal and go back to their smart phones uninterrupted."

Whatever. Do not judge parents with children with behavioral problems until you've walked in their shoes for one day.

Hell, I'd give you four hours and you'd want to give the kid back.

I love my son.

But some days, I just want to knock him across the room.

Sociopath.

That word has come up in casual conversation with "experts." Yeah. I may be raising a sociopath. Yay for me. How many of you have raised a sociopath? Borderline psychopath?

He doesn't care (or at least appears to not care) about anyone except himself. He doesn't feel bad when he upsets his brother. Doesn't feel bad when his father and I are talking to him sternly ... or yelling because he hasn't listened to one word we've said to him. Only time he sheds a tear? When it affects him.

I've read articles about ADHD kids who beg their parents to understand them and not yell at them and not get upset when they don't listen, pay attention, or do what they're supposed to do. And other parents will comment and be like, "I'd never say that to my child! How dare they be that mean to their child. This is why some shouldn't pro-create."

Guys. When you are constantly telling someone to do something and they continually don't do that. Don't you get frustrated? Don't you raise your voice? Don't you say things you wish you hadn't?

When you CATCH RED HANDED your child stealing or lying and they continue to tell you that they didn't do it. Or when for the 15th time you've caught him in your closet stealing the iPads you've taken away from him because his search history is a little too mature than what he should be looking at. Or when you catch him stealing the APPLE TV from your room late at night and he says, "I just wanted to watch it while you were asleep because you wouldn't know."

Do you have to turn off the internet at a set time everyday so that he doesn't sneak on to the business computer- to which somehow he figures out the password every time you change it- to look at the internet at things he shouldn't be?

Have you ever left a full grocery shopping cart in the middle of the isle to physically carry your screaming child out of the store because you told him no, he couldn't have the candy bar?

Have you laid in bed late at night staring at the ceiling fan asking yourself what the hell you did wrong to have raised a child who has no empathy? Who doesn't care about consequences or rewards?

Have you locked the bathroom door to cry because your child is in his room throwing toys, punching walls, and screaming because you told him he couldn't play outside until his homework was done?

How many teacher conferences have you been to where you were told, "Oh we know he's a good kid, we just need him to pay attention - to slow down with his work - to control his anger - to stop talking ...."

How many times have you been called to the principal's office to discuss your child's behavior?

I have NEVER been to the principal's office as a child or teenager. I never got in trouble at school. The closest I got into trouble was a truancy letter that got sent home. I now know every single one of my son's principal's by first name and I dread when I see the school's number on my cellphone. I sometimes don't answer it because I'm tired.

I'm tired.

Raising a child is hard. It is. I knew it wasn't going to be a walk in the park. I knew it would be challenging. But it shouldn't be this difficult.

Is medicating him the best choice?

Yes. For us, it is. And STILL we aren't getting the results we need for society to treat him like the "normal child" they want him to be.

Medication isn't for everyone. I get it. But you'll never see me judging you for your decision, so don't judge me.

I'm embarrassed.

You never know when his tantrum will start or what will set it off. Do yo walk on eggshells? I absolutely hate the stares I get in public when my son is defiant and causes a scene. No one smiles at me and says "you've got this momma. Hang in there."

No. They give dirty looks and walk off and mutter "My child would never do that."

I didn't want to medicate. I tried everything to not medicate. I had seen what Ritalin did to loved ones and I didn't want my son to deal with that. But at this very exact moment, I'm to the point of let's raise his dosage to help him succeed in society. (He doesn't take Ritalin, but he takes numerous other meds).

Is that selfish of me? Yeah sure. But I'm Tired.

A tired momma will pretty much agree to do whatever it takes to help her offspring. You can hate all you want, but until there is proper education given to teachers to deal with ADD and ADHD and to the rest of society, our children will forever be the problem children in school.

They'll be the children that get blamed for any and everything. Why? Because they more than likely did it, BUT more importantly the school system is teaching other children that if they mess up, they can blame the problem children and they will get in trouble, not them.

That's what pisses me off the most.

I witnessed it happen to my son. They were at the playground. A girl pushed him. He pushed back. She cried. Who got in trouble? My son. Should he have pushed her back? No. But she shoved first. Both children should have been punished (or at least talked to). And this was in his kindergarten! Don't even get me started about his current teacher and grade. It's ridiculous.

So before you go judging parents who talk about ADHD or medicating. Walk in their shoes. I can pretty much guarantee that what you're seeing in public is NOTHING to what they deal with second to second in their homes. It's exhausting.

I could write on and on about this, but I know I've already lost you because you can't believe I'm such a horrible mother who can't even put up with her 10 year old.

Well get over it. Like I said, I'm tired.

I'm tired of yelling, punishing, trying new ideas and failing, whining, crying, explaining my child's actions, apologizing, worrying. I'm tired.

Just. Plain. Tired.

F*ck it - A Toddler's Mantra | Raising the Boys

While getting the toddler ready for his tumbling class, he turns around and says,

"When I'm grown up, I can say 'F*ck it."

Yeah.

I just stared at him.

I didn't mean to giggle, but I did.

And he goes, "What? It's true though." 

And shrugs his shoulders and walks into tumbling class.

I grabbed his socks and shoes, sat on the waiting chairs and shook my head.

If only it was that simple. 

AmIright?

Even though a three year old shouldn't be dropping the f-bomb, I was shocked and impressed at the same time.

(And I realized that I really need to watch what I say around that freaking parrot)

Not only did he use it correctly, he used it at the right time you would use it. He really didn't wanna give me his shoes, but I insisted that by me holding onto them, it'd be easier (and faster) to get to the big trampoline. So, he basically gave into wisdom (or so I'd like to think that's why he said what he said) and resisted the urge to argue and possibly cause more problems.

Why can't more adults be like that?

Given today's society climate, wouldn't it just be better to accept the "F*ck it" mantra?

Now, don't get me wrong -- yes, we should still stand up for what we believe is right and not give into pressure (with the proper research, knowledge and morals). 

BUT

When you reach a point of no return when you're shouting one thing and the other is shouting another and neither of you are ever going to agree and the argument is going no where...

Can you just reach a point where we can just say "F*ck it? Let's agree to disagree? Can you just hear me out?"

No, we are never going to reach that point.

Why?

Because we are humans. 

We will fight to our very last dying breath.

My point in all this?

That my toddler taught me a big lesson today. 

Not every argument is worth the win. You have to listen with reason. And sometimes, just sometimes ...

"F*ck it" is just the appropriate response. 

Playground Workout | 'Werk it Out' Wednesday

New Year, New You bullshit right?

2017 has come in like a storm and it's already the 4th day.

Don't get me wrong y'all ... I fully support any and every one who wants to get up off their asses to move. Whether it's walking around the block, doing 5 pushups, or joining a gym.

I love that.

Because I was there once.

I was just had my first child. I thought the weight would magically melt away because, shit, I was only 23 years old! My metabolism was still hight and I could eat a tub of cookie dough and not gain a pound.

Well ... I was wrong.

The weight didn't magically go away. And I was the heaviest I had been in a like .... ever. I'm not going to put down a number because my "heavy" isn't someone else's "heavy." I know there are heavier people out there, but for my build and my esteem. I was too heavy.

I had to get up off my ass and start back at it. I had to run. I had to lift weights. And I had to learn not to eat the entire tub of cookie dough.

So guys, I get it. We all start some where. What I want you guys to realize is that, just because it's a new year doesn't mean its a NEW you.

You have to work hard. You have to stay motivated and you have to lean on other for support.

Trust me, my motivation comes and goes. Sometimes I wanna run the length of the country and sometimes I just wanna pull the covers up and go to sleep. BUT -- I have motivators that come in all different ways.

1 - my sons. They look up to me. I have to stay healthy for them. I want to be here when they give me my grandchildren. Hell, I wanna be here for my grandchildren's children!

2 - I have health buddies who keep me accountable. They ensure I get to workouts. Ask how I am and are just there for me if my motivation just isn't.

3 - myself. I wanna be that hot mom -- with a few dimples of skin, mom-sag boobs and just a few wrinkles. I want to feel good about myself. I want to say that I look this way because I work hard for it ... well, I work for it... lol sometimes I think I should've pushed harder and didn't. And sometimes I just want that tub of cookie dough!

4 - my workout app. Yeah. LOL. That thing will make you feel like shit when it dings "congratulations! you've met your goal of 1 hour of sitting!" Yeah... I like seeing, "You maxed out on miles this week!" Not "Hey lazy-ass ... congrats ... you wasted another day staring at Facebook dreaming of those healthy, buff women who only eat Kale." 

5 - my sanity. I've noticed that when I skip workouts - or just the interaction with other adults - my stress level is higher, I have a shorter temper, and I just plain feel like shit. 

6 - Instagram challenges. Not only do I get to figure out a new and creative way to take a "proof" picture, it also keeps me accountable because I don't want my challengers to doubt my commitment and I want that damn prize! ;)

Guys, find your motivation. Take 2017 by the cajones and get healthy. But remember, you'll still be you. The new you will still be the same ol' person who loves cookie dough; who wants to sleep in; who wants extra butter on the popcorn; who really doesn't wanna go to the gym; and who still wants to be better.

You are awesome.

You will succeed.

And you can become a better you.

But you'll always be Y.O.U.

Let's start off the new year with these moves for a playground work out! I know you're going as crazy as I am with these buggers home during winter vacation. Don't worry guys, one 4 more days and school starts! ;)

Have fun and good luck!

(see below for work out!)

How the workout works:

Let the kids run free at the playground while you work on your HIIT. I only have three exercises today, so do them for however long you can do it. We jog to and from the park so that is our cardio, you can also throw in jumping jacks or burpees to add cardio to your HIIT!

Start with a timer of 40 seconds on and 20 seconds rest. Do all three exercises and then repeat for however long you can go.

Jump ups (Box jumps) -- be safe! Start low and work your way up! If jumping up on a ledge or  bench or playground step scares you, just step up onto them working your way up to a jump.

Step up with leg lift (alternate legs) -- using bench, step of playground, ledge, step up and lift leg behind you to tighten your rear-end. Alternate legs each time.

Elevated pushups using bench -- Using a table, ledge, bench, do close handed pushups keeping your elbows tucked into your sides. This works your triceps - no more "bat wings" for you!

Disclaimer:  I am not a doctor or health coach or any one qualified to tell you what you can and can't do with your body. You are the judge of how each exercise feels. If it hurts, don't do it. If you get hurt  doing an exercise I suggest, it's ultimately your decision to try the workout. I just offer suggestions to stay moving.

Did Y'all Survive 2016? | My Hot Mess

Did y'all make it?I mean, a lot of people on social media are saying that 2016 was the toughest year ever.Was it though?

Many people say that 2016 was rough on their childhood stars. We lost many 1980's actors and actresses. We had a phone literally blow up in our faces. The presidential election was ca-ray-zee.  A gorilla was shot ... a mass shooting in a club in Florida and the terror in Niece, Italy. An alligator attacked a toddler at the happiest place on earth and then there was Ebola and Zika scaring everyone. Hurricane Matthew and the bombing in Brussels and the Berlin attack. A boxing legend passed and the death of Prince.  Wild fires and shootings in churches.... I could go on and on and on.But .... here's the thing. There were a lot of good things in 2016 as well.Think about it : 

The Cubs finally won the World Series, The Cavilers won their first championship and a military BRAT freaking took the Olympic gymnastics by storm (and not to mention the Final Five took Gold!)! Americans can freaking visit Cuba now! Pandas are no longer considered endangered and tigers have increased in number enormously. Leonardo Dicaprio FINALLY won an Oscar -- that in itself is amazing right?! Catholic and Orthodox leaders met for the first time in 1,000 years and freaking Harriet Tubman is on the $20 bill! Hey, and Americans apparently became Measles free. Hello?! That's awesome. And not to mention teen pregnancy is down AND high school graduates are on the rise!Guys, there's a lot that you can sit and sulk about. But I mean, I'm pretty sure 2016 was NOTHING in comparison to 1347 when the "Black Death" plagued the world and claimed 50 million lives ... Or in 1918 when the flu claimed the lives 675, 000 Americans -- roughly the same as the Civil War.What about 1929 when the stock market crashed and we were sent into us into years of depression?Sure, we lost Princess Leia, David Bowie, Professor Snape, Willie Wonka & George Micheal, but guys ... people live and people die.Unfortunately, when it comes to humans, there's going to be hate, terror, and lots and lots of sarcasm.But remember, there's also love, admiration, heroism, bravery and did I mention love to be shared and idolized? We need to focus on that.Don't dwell on the bad. If you do, then of course your 2016 and your other years to follow will be terrible. Believe that there is good in 2017 and your 2017 will be "good." Personally, my 2016 was pretty alright. Sure I had some downs ... but I also had a lot of ups. You know what that's called? LIFE.An exciting life -- a life worth living is full of challenges and struggles - because without those, our successes and triumphs wouldn't exist. Count your lucky stars that you lived in a year that most consider horrible, because, shit - you're a badass for surviving! Y'all, I want you to party your little hearts out tonight and be safe. I want you to kiss your loved ones and hug your friends. Because face it, 2017 isn't guaranteed to anyone. So make the last hours of 2016 the best hours of your life.

And let's make 2017 a year to remember!Good luck and Happy New Year!

Stocking Holder When You Don't Have a Fireplace | My Hot Mess

As you know, we have recently moved from North Carolina to Texas. We've lived in our old home in NC for 11 years... we had a fireplace. We never used the damn thing, but we had one. 

Flash forward to our Texas home ... we don't have a fire place. Did we notice this when looking at the house? 

No.

I mean, it's just something you don't really look for when trying to find an affordable home for three years and you tend to look over the little things like that because ... well ... it's not your forever home.

Do we need a fireplace?

No, I mean, we had one for 11 years and never used it. The realtor asked us if it worked because the buyers were asking ... we just looked at each other and shrugged our shoulder.

Shit. We didn't even try. 

Well, we tried once ... but nothing happened and we didn't feel like getting blown up (it was a propane...gas?) one so we just turned off the air vent and went along with our lives.

With Christmas finally here in the desert... I started pulling out our holiday decor ... and that's a whole other fiasco because face it, you buy the decor to fit your house. The lights (we had to buy more because the new house has more roof than our old), the tree/tree stand (there really isn't anywhere to put the tree so we had to move the dogs bed and confused the hell out of them), the garland (Have way too much for such a tiny space) and the stocking holders. 

Wait ... shit. The stocking holders. Where the hell am I going to put the stocking holders? We don't have an mantel. We don't have built in wall shelves. I didn't want to add holes to the walls .... What the hell was I supposed to do?

Pinterest to the rescue. You'd be surprised some of these crafty people came up with! Hooks on a beat up fence. Hooks on a reused pallet. Hooks on a 2x4 that they hung on their wall. Cardboard boxes to look like brick and pile them up to look like a fireplace. And then there was an old fence pole with antique hooks on it. Self standing. No additional holes on my rental's walls AND it was cute!

So, I made it.

The fence pole is from Home Depot - $15

Long, skinny piece of wood - $3 (I had originally grabbed 4 pre-cut designer pieces in the table isle but when I found the long piece for cheaper, I knew I'd be able to cut it and still look nice.)

The paint - FREE, was left in our rental's garage (I think it's the interior wall color) - Free

Antique hooks from Hobby Lobby - $6 (total for all four)

Also used cabinet silencer thingies - FREE (had already) on the bottom of the stocking holder since we have tile and I didn't want it to wobble or scratch the floor.

I had originally found cheap pack of 2 hooks from Home Depot but when I went to Hobby Lobby, they were having 50% off antique hooks and knobs. So instead of paying just $3 for plain hooks from Home Depot (and they looked harder to put into the pole), I paid just $3 more and got hooks I really loved.

Tools - circular saw, wood screws, electric drill/screwdriver (all in which we had laying around the garage)

Total project: $24 and some quality time with the hubby

I wrapped some garland around it to make it more festive ... I had it laying around and figured I should use it. I know this defeats the purpose of the antique hooks ... but I still love it and it looks great in our odd corner where the tree is.

And oh look! I transformed our Halloween pumpkin decor into Christmas decor! ;) Just bought the $4 white spray paint and used acrylic paint for the features, my sons hat, and my "Gru" scarf from Halloween 2014. :) When you pay $30 for your pumpkins you make them last through Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas!

What are some DIY projects you've come up with since moving to accommodate your new home?

Update: So, two nights after I put up the stocking holder ... the dogs grabbed the Elf on the Shelf from a stocking in which he was sitting in and pulled the entire stocking holder down. Yeah ... momma was not happy ... and the kids were traumatized. LOL Don't worry, our elf is safe and sound - and healing just fine. The bandages and cast are completely off of him now. Just a sweet cheek scar is left of the "attack" but shit, chicks dig scars  ... right? ;)

12 Days with the Damn Elf | Raising the Boys

Please tell me I'm not the only one that dreads this damn thing. I mean, it started out as fun and cute for my eldest. He was acting up in school, saw the Elf at Barnes & Noble ... thought it'd scare the shit out of him ... Bought it. And Ta-da! End of misbehaving right?

Nope. Not even close.

This damn guy has been on strike due to behavior, has went back to the North Pole and threatened not to come back, he's given writing assignments and he's been chewed up by the dogs ...

He's given secret missions for the kids to spread kindness, and he's made them go out and find things for exercise ...

Given them crafts to make for loved ones ... told them that they're special ....

Shit, he's even portrayed a favorite book character to get them to behave.

And yet? Nothing. The kids aren't scared of this guy. They enjoy waking up to see what sorta thing he's been up to during he night. And to be honest, I don't even think my eldest believes he's moving by himself any more.

I purposely didn't have him show up after Thanksgiving this year ... why? Because I'm running out of ideas to do with this guy! We've done Ninja, Minecraft, Star Wars, Spiderman, Harry Potter, This Day In History, Crafts, Threats, Daring Feats, Silly Mischief, Camera Fun ... I even hand cut damn snowflakes into Star Wars characters! What more does a mom have to do to make their kids happy?

Apparently keep up the charade of this damn elf going back and forth to the North Pole every night to tattle on the kiddos to Santa - the big boss. And my creativeness is just going to have to rely on Pinterest and Google searches! Good luck out there parents! If you get an Elf on the Shelf ... be prepared! And if you wanna follow our elf, Raheem, every holiday season ... check out my photography Facebook Page and my Pinterest!

God Speed!