Parenting is Hard | Raising the Boys

*Disclaimer: I understand I now have a daughter - but the boys are still the main focus of this section ... they have a little bit more attitude at the moment and lot more laughable moments. Soon she may have her own section or added to this section. But Not just yet - we shall see how her personality grows!

Did I miss the instruction manual section when we were discharged from the hospital? 

Did you guys get one?

You know what I'm talking about.

The "How to be the coolest parent ever and raise a perfect gentleman" book?

No?

There's no "Easy Button?"

'Cause I'd pay a pretty penny to just push the easy button right about now.

Y'all should know about my Autistic/ADHD preteen by now, and if not HERE is the link. I feel like I'm going to be constantly looking at him with  the "What the hell is your problem" facial expression for the rest of my life. The second I feel like I'm understanding him and getting him - he turns around with another issue or quirk that has me second guessing why I decided to become a mother.

Then there's the four year old who's finding his own place in the family. He's now the middle child and he is making it real apparent that he will not be "forgotten" or "pushed aside." We would never do that intentionally, but you know how the stereotype is when it comes to the middle child. His attitude and antagonizing ways of late have been - to say the least - getting on my last nerve.

If you happen to find my patience ... can you please tell her come back? Could really use her sound judgment and constant reminding that these boys are learning. They're learning to be decent humans while trying to find their own in this crazy world.

Parenting is Hard y'all.

I question why I decided becoming a parent was a good thing. I think being the cool aunt who does fun and exciting things with her nephews would've suited me better AND helped keep me sane. I'm pretty sure if our neighbors ever reported me to law - I'd be admitted for insanity. These boys are killing me. Forget them living to 18 years old ... I may not see them turn 18 years old.

Even though the doc says I'm in great health, I feel like my blood pressure should be through the roof. I feel like my mental health has declined and I feel like I'm physically deteriorating because of the stress and hassle I put up with every single day. If it wasn't for the help of friends, family, and my husband for allowing my to do "me time" every so often - I'd be dead. Seriously.

I've read multiple parenting books ... I normally don't make it through them because my ideas of parenting and there's don't align. I've gone to multiple therapy appointments and tried multiple strategies to keep the chaos to a minimum in my family. I've tried family meetings, I've tried the "yes method," I've tried no yelling - I've tried yelling. We've spanked and we've done time outs. I've done the "how do you feel about your actions" strategy and I've done the "no" strategy. We have multiple behavior, chore, and goal charts. I have a "write 3 good things that happened today" journal and I have this blog. I'm running out of ideas, wall space and patience ... well the patience is gone. What else is there to do?

Then there's moments when we are sitting on the couch and my toddler curls up next me and falls asleep on my shoulder. Or when he walks up to me and hugs me. The other day a friend overheard him say that he had the best mom ever. I mean ... that must mean I'm doing something right .... right?

Or when my preteen finally looks me in the eye and says, "That was the best family hike we've ever went on. It was really fun." Or when he picks up his little sister when she's crying and comforts her. When a complete stranger compliments him on his good manners or looks at me and says, "you're doing a good job with this young man."

There's something going right in this house I suppose.

Parenting is hard. When do we truly know what we are doing with our children is the right thing? When will the "reward" outweigh the hard times? I'm told I'll miss these days of them being young and running around the house. I believe these fairy tales ... I really do. But they are also very hard to imagine at this point in my parenting life. We shall see.

We shall see.

When the Shit Hits the Fan | Loving Him

I don't know how you single parents do it.

You guys rock. 

I mean, you really do!

I understand you get into your routines and you set the rules ... you're in charge and don't have to rely on someone else's opinion or routines.

BUT

What do you do when the shit hits the fan??

Like -- The car breaks down just before football practice and you think you walk there but you actually had the wrong address ... so now you just walked a mile away from the house with your 11 year old son and 4 year old toddler to find out you're in the wrong place and won't be making the practice after all - which your eldest has been losing forward to all week and now you have to walk all the way back home with a whiny toddler who's tired and a pissed off preteen. Oh not to mention, that morning you walked 3.5 miles to get your toddler to dance class only to find out it was canceled and you missed the phone call from the teacher because you were busy WALKING/PUSHING the big ass double stroller to post to make it on time for the flipping dance class.  Oh and then throw a sick infant into the mix ... yeah.

The only thing that could've made it worse ... a broken full bottle of wine on your kitchen floor and your husband calls from his TDY to ask "How'd your day go?"

Yeah.

How the hell do you handle that EVERY SINGLE DAY!?

Having an extra set of hands around the house is so awesome. It really is. I lucked out when it came to finding my forever mate. He's pretty awesome.

But why the fuck does everything pile up when he's gone?!

Like, seriously? The truck couldn't break down when he was here? Like - seriously?

We are a two car family. We are lucky. BUT this week - he took the second vehicle on TDY. So we only had the ONE vehicle.

This comes to another round of applause...

Here's to the single car families!!!

You guys are amazing. Getting everyone to work, to school, to activities, back to pick up from school, pickup from work, back home.... etc. You guys are super humans. You really are. I was exhausted and could not wait for the truck to be fixed.

I understand that when it's a way of life, you make it happen. If you only have one car - you figure it out. If you're the only parent - you figure it. I get it.

But when life suddenly changes and you're down a job, down a car, down a parent, down SOMETHING. Why does it seem everything else hits the fan too? Is it the extra stress? You only look at the negative now? How do you guys surpass the "FML" feeling and get shit done? Because I was about to just say F it and run away!

No joke!

Going Gray | My Hot Mess

I'mma give it to you straight folks ... I've been seeing gray strands of "glitter" in my hair since I was 16/17 years old. Guys ... I was so embarrassed of my strands. Friends would comment on it all the time and finally, I got fed up and took one of my mom's boxed hair dyes and dyed my hair.

And I have been dying my hair ever since.

My typical "chair" pose for when I'd visit the salons. But I didn't always go to the salons. In fact, I didn't start going to actual salons until I was in the Army and had the money to actually pay for it. But even then, I still fell back on boxed hair dye.

To me, nothing is wrong with that. I grew up watching my mother dye her hair and many of my aunts dyed their hair. (I have a lot ... of aunts due to big families on both parents' sides.) It was natural to me - to do the unnatural thing and dye my hair.

Hair dye in the box ... store bought costs anything from $4 to what ... $10? If you just went to a normal store like Target or Walmart. I was too nervous to buy the real dye at Sally's or Ulta. Plus, who had money for that?!

It was easy, I could do it in the privacy of my home and no one knew the same. Unless I went too long between dyes and some arrogant boy (I say boy, because it was mostly them pointing out my flaws) would ask, "You graying, Shari?"

**Insert eye roll**


I would soon grow to call my grays "glitter" until one day (much into my 20s) a guy I went to college with said, "Eh, it shows your wisdom."

So, they became my wisdom glitter.

But I was still ashamed of them. I don't know if it was the fact that society associates gray hair to being or becoming "old" or what. My mom always dyed her hair. I had friends who dyed there hair for fun. I didn't think anything was wrong with it. I still don't. I feel like it's your hair and you can do what ever you want to it and not care what others think.

But that's easier said than done. Right? I mean, it's hard to be confident in your own scalp when there's always someone saying,

"Your graying already?"
"How old ARE you?"
"Haven't had the chance to dye your grays yet?"
"You're getting older, aren't you?"
"You're too young to have that much gray."
"Wait, is that gray in your hair?"

Guys ... I've heard all that. And more but I painfully blocked most comments from my brain. Did it hurt to hear that? Yeah, it did. Why? Because most came from close friends or coworkers. People you'd think would like/love ya no matter what.

My hair has been dyed so many colors I don't even remember what my natural color is!

 

I've been light brown, dark brown, black and mostly red. I've had blonde highlights (to hide the gray), purple, bayalage highlights. You name it, I've been it ... except really blonde. Didn't have the gumption to bleach my hair all the way. (I had a picture made with my face in the 'I dream of Jeannie' booth in Vegas. Her blonde hair didn't look good on my 12/13 year old face, and both mom and I decided blonde was not for me.)

I blamed Army life stress, my ridiculous kids, stupid hormones, horrible genetics.... my love for cookies ... for going gray so fast.

My husband would always joke that I should let my hair go and become his "silver fox." I'd giggle and brush it aside.

Well. No more.

This picture was of my long, red hair just before my third child was born. You can't really see the "skunk" roots on top, but I had a shit ton because I didn't want to dye my hair while pregnant. For my maternity picture, (the day prior) I used Photoshop to get rid of the roots.

I started to dig the roots... and decided that when I had the baby I'd schedule with my hairdresser and remove the red. And MAYBE keep my roots.

Maybe.



Under the heat lamp I went. I was at the salon for 5 hours getting the red I had had for years out of my hair. I was there FOREVER.

But, I chickened out of keeping my roots. we decided to go with a more ashy brown with highlights ... to blend the grey when they'd come back.

Mom said this was the closest to my natural hair color and loved it on me.

What do you think? ;) Pretty darn close ... minus the bayalage highlights.

But, just like clockwork, 3 weeks into my new color and this started to happen.

Started to look like Rogue from the Xmen again. (I get my grays in stripes it seems. A few of my friends always complimented me when I'd show my streaks. And I thank them for that now because before I'd just shrug them off. With out those compliments ... I wouldn't have been able to do this...)

I finally had the courage to say, "Let's do it." To my hairdresser and 8 hours later ... he striped all my color (or at least most of it), and gave me some ashy undertones. He told me that on top of my head I was 100% gray. But the underneath didn't get the message and said about 60% gray. So he blended and did his wizardry and viola!

I was so nervous going home.

What if my husband didn't like it? I knew he'd never tell me. What if my kids thought I looked ridiculous? What if I didn't like it?!

And to be honest, it took a while. Every time I looked in the mirror, I saw an old lady. Guys, I'm only 33! I didn't share that above picture on social media for FOUR days! I shared with my best friend via text and with a few of my workout buddies (because well, it's hard to share when you seem them every other day). But that was it. I was so scared of what people would say.

But you know what? I haven't had a bad comment yet and it's been a month and a half. (well, at least to my face). 

I was spending $100-$160 every 4-6 weeks (if I pushed it) and why? To please how other people thought of me. Yes, dying my hair made me feel better too but really, it was for society. I feel so free right now. My roots are showing and are about 2.5 inches long. Like.... what?! LOL I would have NEVER had that much. I mean shit, I purchased colored hair spray for my BFF's wedding while I was pregnant because I couldn't deal with the gray roots.

Now, I'm not going to lie. Striping my hair damaged my hair fairly good. I'm struggling to repair it BUT I have had help along the way. This movement of "Going Grey Gracefully" and "Gray and Proud" has given me sooooo much support to continue on my journey. These ladies are doing it  naturally and I commend them! They are so strong, brave and inspirational.

I want to share my journey with you to hopefully help you decide your hair path. I'll admit, going gray isn't for everyone. Believe me, I know. And I'm in no way knocking all my gray sisters who dye their hair still. But I will tell ya, I feel so free right now. I will only see my hair dresser now for trims and even though I like the guy and appreciate his talent ... I don't like giving him ALL my money. hahaha!

So this is my journey and I hope you guys stick around to see where it leads. And hopefully helps you in your decision on GOING GRAY.

Strong-willed Child: Blessing or Curse? | Raising the Boys

I mean we don’t want to raise pushovers right? We don’t want to raise followers. But we also don’t want to raise assholes.

It’s not all about them but how much do we teach them to serve others? Type a personalities go places but they also raise hell (and not always the good hell).

Then you add a toddler’s brain to the mix where they can’t fully explain their emotions or frustrations and what do you get? Meltdowns. Tantrums. Hitting. Growling. Not being able to socialize with other strong willed children-separation. How do you find a balance?


No, seriously. I'm asking you.

My toddler (well, technically preschooler now) has been pushing all the buttons lately. I know he wants to find his indolence. I know he can fully communicate what he wants and doesn't want. I know he is tired of adults telling him what to do and what not to do. 

I get it. I really do.

But how the hell do I tell him it's cool to be the class leader, but then turn around and say "but take turns."

My poor child. 

Today at tumbling, he wanted to be the line leader. Coach told him to let someone else be the leader and to try being second.

He didn't like that. He left the gym floor and came in to the parent room. I asked him if he didn't want to participate any more and he told me his dilemma. I was frank, "If you don't want to take turns, let's go home."

He didn't like that either. So he decided to give it another try. 

Everything was going well. He even got to jump on the trampoline first. After his turn, he sat down like he was supposed to.

Crisscross-apple sauce.

The other child that he was butting heads with about being leader - another strong-willed child. Came up after his turn, pushed my son to the side (so he could be first to get sticker). 

My son didn't like that. 

He retaliated. 

He open handedly punched the other child in the stomach.

I watched the whole ordeal from the parent window.

So did the other child's mother. 

We both exchanged looks, shook our heads, gathered up our gear and retrieved our boys.

No - pushing is not tolerated.

No - hitting is not tolerated ... 

But how do you explain that to two four years olds who want to rule the world one day?

How?!

All I want to do is raise polite boys that respect each other and others around them. I want them to tolerate those they can't stand and to stand up for what they believe in. I want them to check facts before arguing and I want them to have their own opinions. I want them to be president if they so care to. I want them to be the leaders of the world, not the followers that mindlessly walk the earth.

Where the hell is the user manual on this kid!?!

Another 10 Days with our Elf on the Shelf | My Hot Mess

He always brings fun things for the boys to do. Making memories for them. At least I hope they remember these things when they're older.

Hopefully you poor, poor, unfortunate soles who have an Elf on the Shelf read my first 10 days with our crazy fellow of an elf, Raheem, HERE. If not, you should. 20 days with an Elf can be exhausting ... actually 22 but, we had an accident and he was on bed rest -- you should read the posting HERE.

Any way, here are the last 10 days with our good buddy. Apparently, Star Wars antics are always a pleasure. Especially when Darth Vader uses the force for evil ...

He even decorates his own tree every year. You should really check out my photography page HERE and see more fun Elf shenanigans.

 Of course, we do celebrate WHY we do Christmas ... We love Santa but we aren't naive. I mean, we learn about the "why," the "legend of St. Nick," and of course other religions' holidays.

We get cute silly ...

But we also get progress reports from Santa. Sometimes Raheem tries the dog biscuits and says, "worst cookie ever!" Haha! I made myself giggle with that one.

He always comes with Reindeer food the day he's supposed to go home. The boys hug him and say their good byes once he's packed up and ready for Santa to take him home.

It's all cute and shit right? I mean, I really do love seeing the joy in my boys' eyes when they spot the elf. Or comment on the shenanigans. But BOY! What a nightmare trying to figure out what to do for a whole month. And those crazies, moms, who do it right after Thanksgiving?! You are my hero, because I think next year I'm doing it for WAY less days!

Till next time!

10 Days with the Elf | My Hot Mess

Do y'all have an Elf on the Shelf? You do?

Why?

Because I ask myself that every year when December hits.

History lesson about Pearl Harbor

At first it was FUN. I got to see the joy in my eldest's eye when he spotted Raheem ... that's the name he gave our elf ... When he'd spot Raheem in a different location every day.

Then this happened in 2016 ... the Dogs knocked over Raheem and ... well, we are lucky to say that Raheem managed to get away with just a small "scar" on his cheek and a tore up hat... in which the North Pole Doctor AKA MOM - had to fix.

Acts of kindness (Elf Mission) that only the kids can read.

But shit, that gave me an excuse not to move the little bast... ahem, elf, for TWO WHOLE DAYS!

Game of hide and seek with candy canes.

And then, when he COULD "move" I half-assed it. Well, not really, I should've but why be half-assed when you can be great?! Crafts and window clings ... you can't go wrong with that!

Harry Potter was a definite hit ... but to my surprise not as "cool" as my Spiderman shot a few years back.

See? That's the problem with the Elf on the Shelf.

You have to be careful how cool you go because these kids expect Raheem to do something FANTASTIC every night. And does it even curb their naughty-ness?

NO.

The answer is NO.

Sure, Suzy may act right for you. Or Jose for you.

But my kids?

Pft.

Nope.

He left trees to plant for next Christmas... or years from now. But We still haven't planted the seeds...

Why do I even bother?

Because I want them to enjoy being creative as much as I do.

Is it working?

Hell, I have no clue. But I sure hope it is.

Because these first 10 days with Raheem has been a bitch. And I know you guys feel my pain.

And why, oh why, does the Elf get all the damn credit?!

I'll share the last 10 days with Raheem in 2016 soon! Until then, have your Elf break a leg or 

something. ;)

For more ideas for your Elf follow me on Facebook and/or check out past blogs on our Elf HERE! Or HERE. AND HERE. 

Just Co-Living at the Moment | Loving Him

My husband and I just celebrated our 13th year of marriage.

Thank you *takes bow* a-thank-u

Long military marriages are rare ... I mean, I hate to bring out the statistics ... but marriage/divorce rates are ridiculously high in the military.

Is it because we are a smaller population than one would think? Or is it really just that bad?

I don't know. But I am proud to say that we are not part of that statistic.

However ...

(there's always a however huh?)

I do want to say that 13 years feels like forever. I mean, not literally. I do enjoy marriage and I don't really think we are growing old (at least in heart). But at the same time ... things have changed.

We aren't those two love birds in the park parking lot making out on the car hood.

Ga-ROSS.

We don't send lovey-dovey texts to one another every second of the day. We settle for once every few days. ;)

We aren't in a constant tangle of limbs any more.

And we normally don't go to bed at the same time...

We are merely co-living at the moment.

And that's okay.

I'm okay with it, I sure hope he's okay with it.

We are okay.

Life sorta gets in the way of being a couple sometimes.

Right now, we have an infant who eats every two hours, wakes up in the middle of the night and needs our undivided attention 24/7.

We have a toddler who is getting used to the fact that he isn't the youngest any more. In fact, being the middle child sorta sucks for him at the moment. He is afraid of his room that he will eventually share with his sister. Absolutely hates her fox decor and has been an emotional wreck lately because all he wants is the attention back on him.

Then there's our eldest, ADHD/Autistic son who has grown into a smart-ass with lots and lots of attitude. He wants the attention the littles are stealing and he's going to get it anyway he can - even if it's negative. He argues over everything ... even the smallest, minute things. The other day, we argued over three pieces of candy versus four pieces. I mean ... come on.

By the time bedtime rolls around, all we want to do is get the kids to sleep so that we can lounge in our prospective spots on the couch with the TV noise in the background and us staring at our Facebook newsfeed, catching up on other peoples "normal" lives.

Therapists and other happy couples may tell you that we are not doing the right thing. "You should take time with each other and treat it as a romantic evening in. Give each other your full attention."

Blah.

I mean, I get it. We need to still pay attention to each other. After all, we wouldn't have the family we have if it didn't first start with us and being so crazy in love that we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I mean ...

I get it.

But right now. I'm nursing and postpartum. I don't want to mess around at night.

He's back to working long hours and *ahem* ... had a surgery. So I'm sure he's just wanting to sleep at night as well.

We're co-living right now.

And that's okay.

Soon we will get back to US. We will. I know we will.

But right now, the stress level in this house just needs to be dealt with as a parenting unit and all of our energy needs to go to these wacked-out kids who need the love they are screaming for.

He's still my best friend. He's still my heart and soul. He still means everything to me.

But right now, the baby is crying to be fed. The toddler needs a hug. And the boy needs to clean his room....

But we are okay.